Selleck and Me

SHAVING

*DISCLAIMER: The advice given in this chapter should be used very sparingly. A man should never tamper with his facial hair except on very rare occasions for it is the source of all his power, much like Samson from the Bible who retained normal man strength (super human to the weak, soft men of the biblical era) unless he cut his hair, and then he was susceptible to injury and sickness.

The only times tampering with facial hair is acceptable are: meeting a dignitary OR during a power eating competition where said facial hair actually impedes one’s ability to ingest smoked meats quickly.

** And never, EVER does one touch his mustache. If any man is caught tampering with his mustache length, he shall immediately and forever excommunicated from the Church of Selleck and manhood for eternity. 

When it does come time for the rare shaving, you must first take a hunk of volcanic ash and using your teeth, sharpen to a fine razor like edge. Once your volcanic ash is sharpened simply jab the volcanic ash repeatedly into your beard, piercing the skin, and scooping out the chunks of hair until all the patches of hair are removed from your skin.

*Shaving cream, lotion, water, or other feminities that aid in smoothing the skin are not allowed. They soften your skin, thus weakening it to the witchery of the outside world. Your skin must remain as hard as granite at all times.

As for lubrication, your pieces of flesh and blood will aid in guiding the volcanic ash to separating the hair from your skin.

Once all the beard hair is removed and you regain consciousness from the severe blood loss, put on a clean, pressed, white tuxedo and head off to meet said dignitary or platters of meat for your eating competition.

Building A Log Cabin

Every man’s journey through life takes it’s tole on him. His bones become weary, his hair brittle, and his skin blistered by the hot sun for it is not easy defending one’s honor, his crops, and keeping his female onlookers in check. 

And when that tole becomes too great, every man must take his annual leave into the forests of Aragon, to consume meat, scotch, and hibernate so that he may regain his strength and re-harden his soul.

When you enter the forrest, building a log cabin is the first order of business so that you may protect yourself from the dangers lurking behind every tree trunk: wild beasts, loose women, and effeminate men, all trying to steal your magical manhood.

The first step in constructing your cabin is to acquire sturdy lumber. The best lumber is made from the mighty Red Oak. It’s easily distinguishable by the gray moss growing along it’s bark.

Dig with your hands and teeth until the roots become bare against the stark sky, then grab ahold and dead lift the mighty oak from the ground, ripping roots and all.*

*If modern living has weakened you too much with it’s cotton sheets and hair products, then seek out a doe, plunge your bare hand deep into it’s chest cavity and consume it’s still beating heart. The antioxidants in the warm, pumping dear blood will give you back your ancient strength.

Now arrange your red oaks into a 8’ x 10’ perimeter and construct your cabin walls. Next is to provide a roof over your head, and only elven pine branches will do. While they are light and easy to carry, acquiring them is very tricky for they are guarded by elven leaders who do not recognize the ways of man due to their frequent dealings with females.

In order to acquire the branches you must make them think, you too are weak. So before leaving for the forrest, head to a local ‘Ed Hardy’ store and acquire several jeweled shirts adorned with tiger emblems. Be warned, ‘Ed Hardy’ can cause a man to become weak and vulnerable. Steel your reserve and keep your bowels in check when you sniff the aroma of desperation and semen emanating throughout the ‘Ed Hardy’ store.

With your roof secured, you must complete your cabin’s interior so that your soul may regenerate: A bed lined with the furs of elk, moose, and squirrel. An Armory cache to store your battle axe and broad sword along with your shield made from Valerian steel. A corner of the roof dedicated to smoking meats. *You must consume 37 lbs of meat during your hibernation so take care in allowing enough space for said meats. A separate corner for your scotch, 3 gallons in total, in 3 individual oak barrels. You must first drink 1 full gallon before you can use the barrel for you feces and urine displacement.

The final touch you must make to your cabin is to take some of the doe’ blood that you killed earlier and smear it across your cabin door frame. This is to signify to all of the woodland creatures that you have marked your territory and unless they wish to meet their maker, they best steer clear.

When the moon is full thrice, you have reached the zenith of your hibernation and you must test your metal before re-entering the world. The only suitable test is to challenge a black bear to hand to hand combat. Not to worry. If you have consumed your 37 lbs of meat, and 3 gallons of scotch then you should defeat the hideous beast in one swift uppercut to the jaw, thus dislodging it’s head.

When you re-enter the modern world, you must adorn the severed bear ahead upon your scalp to show that you are now back at full strength and any attempt to resist or challenge you is futile.

Casual vs. Formal Wear

A tough decision that plagues the modern man. It is a relatively new phenomena, this ‘choosing what to wear’, no for back in the time of Selleck, men had only important worries on the mind: the harvest, the summer raids in the Eastern Highlands, earning honor and title for his family name, and whether he would take the mute farm girl’s innocence behind the sheep pen or out in the town square for all to see!

This meaningless pity parade about formal wear versus casual wear was nonexistent, for you see, formal wear WAS casual wear. A man wore his suit of armor on the battlefield, in the great hall of Aranthorp drinking mead, and especially when he deflowered the mute farm girl behind the sheep pen (for out in the town square just too much, a call for attention).

But times have changed. And the limp wristed politicians, with their soft bones and perfumed skin, have brought about an age of weakness! Business suits, commerce, diplomacy, medicine, the cotton gin!  All of this nonsense has polluted men’s minds with pointless choices, but this is the grim reality we live in, where men have more clothes than women! WOMEN! They are the object of OUR desire, not the other way around. For it is their role to dazzle and wow men into a stupor so they may steal his seed where they do God knows what with it, in their belly cookers.

So you ask, what should a true man have in his closet? Easy, only the following items:

A tuxedo. Clean and pressed. Fit for the following occasions:

Funerals 

Weddings

Company Picnics

Beach trips

Casual Dates

Movie Screenings

Non-casual Dates

The Farmers Market

…and White Water Rafting

And then the only other item in your closet should be:

An animal skin, ideally from a member of the big cat species, that is fitted into a tunic. It provides warmth in winter, and a cooling breeze come the summer months. Tunic’s are fit for the following occasions:

Anywhere you will engage an enemy*

*Proper male protocol says that a tunic will outweigh a tuxedo in a giving situation, except for one:

White water rafting. As the river current is your enemy.

THE FIRST DATE

First impressions are a big part of the mating process. The female brain works at a very high rate when a first date is initiated. Her neurons will be firing off a million times a second, analyzing your appearance, posture, eating habits, vocal patterns, all trying to decipher if she will let you fill her insides with your seed.

- What to wear

Females are the fairer sex. It is their duty to accessorize with gems and glitter, to make them a more attractive prize than they truly are.

For you, your aura will suffice,and there are only two acceptable things to wear on a first date: a tuxedo, complete with cumber-bun, cigar, and scotch glass. Or, a bare chested, open flannel with self made jean shorts, and commando boots.

Don’t be one of these ‘nam’s. (New Aged Men) As the acronym suggests, they are not men but merely male impersonators who have everything backwards. Do not ‘peacock’ and wear any of the following: skinny jeans, glittered cowboy hats, fedoras, scarfs, suspenders, glasses (for all true men have 20/20 vision), beanies that look like they are falling off the back of your head, or any jewelry of ANY king (pinky rings are the only exception)

- What to order/drink

Steak tar-tar. And top shelf scotch, neat.

- What to say

For the first 20 minutes of the date, you are to say nothing. Stare directly at them, never blinking, and only occasionally putting food and/or drink to your lips.

The next and FINAL 20 minutes of the date you are to say exactly the following at 5 minute intervals: “I will bed you”.

- paying the bill

Signal to the maitre’d that the bill is covered. The female should never have to reach for her purse/money sack. In fact, if she even brought money, it is a sign that you are not giving off the correct manly aura.

*if you have not built a reputation where a simple flick of the wrist can cover a dinner bill then you are not yet ready for first dates.

- The good night kiss

As soon as you reach her car or front door. Before she can speak you whip her around and plant one on her. Grab her hair for added wooing effect.

- After hours fun

If you followed everything as prescribed, she will bow at your feet, and open her door, leading you to her bedroom. This is where you get to have options. If you do not have an early morning engagement then take her and take her hard. If you feel you need the rest, then politely decline until tomorrow at noon where she is to meet you at an undisclosed location, either approach is acceptable.

YOU SLEEP ON A MATTRESS ON THE FLOOR

This is a two part chapter, aimed at the more advanced man apprentice who has mastered the basics of scotch selection, mustache growing, and meat grilling. If you have received instructor approval from these pre-requisites and it has been cleared through the registrar, then you, fine sir, are at the right place.

Part 1: If having a sole mattress resting on the bare floor of your living domicile is a permanent situation:

Time to stop hitting the snooze button for your life.

You are a man. That simple. And men do not lay their weary heads on a rag of feathers strewn on the floor after a day of sweat and toil tearing down nature’s lumber and erecting man’s skyscrapers! NO! For men are kings. And kings slumber much like they rule, on a throne. And that is how you must treat your bed.

No less than 2 lbs of gold leaf must used in constructing your frame. 

Your sheets, filled with the finest goose feathers, and blankets made from either fox or lynx fur. (*ferret is acceptable, but only if it’s net weight, pre-kill, is greater than 7 lbs. All ferret blankets must be approved with the registrar)

And your bed must be raised a minimum 4 feet off the ground, with small cushions surrounding it.  So that you may gaze down on your female subjects who lay at your feet.

Power Eating Competitions

Enter them and enter them often.

However beware, this is not a game for the feint of heart….literally. You need to have a strong pulse in order to prevent your body from going into shock after consuming 5 lbs. of mayo in 30 minutes.

But nothing worthwhile comes out of something that was ‘easy’ or ‘healthy’. Legends are not made in macabre class. There are made on the battle field. The battle field of the dinner table.

What better way to see what you’re made of against your fellow man than by pushing the limits of your stomach lining. And by the time any man has reached the age of 30, he should have, at minimum, 6 titles under his belt which also should be, at minimum, 40” and up. 

Some things to consider before you start your quest into greatness:

Start regionally. 

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was your stomach. Going against world class power eaters before you even have your first ulcer is a recipe for disaster. Instead start your run of dominance against toothless townies and over-confident high schoolers.

Know your stomach.

A man’s stomach is like a beautiful snowflake and no two sacks of tissue are the same. Some are built like cast iron stoves capable of ingesting Hell itself without so much as breaking a sweat. Others are like smoke houses, capable of storing pounds upon pounds of cured meats with room and ease, while still looking fashionable.

There are spicy competitions, volume of meat competitions, and then there are the obscure competitions where the food smells like the inside of a shark’s stomach, and it’s peeling the paint off the walls and causing audience members to faint at just one whiff. You just need to know what your stomach can handle and handle best.

Remember, there are many paths to enlightenment, you just need to find yours.

Learn from the best.

Bears. Bears, bears, bears. I’ll say it one more time so it sticks, bears. They eat and eat and eat and then they hibernate. A season long meat nap where they live entirely off the contents already digested in their stomach. There is a lot to be learned here.

You want to take down a cow’s worth of flank steaks? Then learn to train like a bear. Head to your nearest grocery store and CLEAN out the butcher section. Literally. 

Then see how much you can eat in one sitting before passing out. When you awake several days later, repeat the process until you can clear the butcher section from Ralph’s without so much as needing to ‘lie down’.

Bears are nature’s apex predator when it comes to eating competitions and all the greats, Lou Shore, Henry Polwoski, and Chuck Lugatti, learned their championship moves from these majestic creatures.

Seize the crown.

A national eating title is a rare thing. A beautiful thing. 

There comes a point in every man’s life when he looks destiny right in the eye and destiny blinks first. Be ready or it might just pass you by.

Grilling

Any man worth his weight in barley knows how to handle his fire pit.

What screams to the world more, especially the lady world, that your seed is ripe for the taking, than being able to stand over a roaring flame, manhandling slain animal carcasses to the delight of the masses and their tummies?

Nothing. Maybe aside from strangling a live moose with your bare hands in order to provide sustenance for your warrior clan, which will be covered in an upcoming chapter.

Do you think a woman will grant entry to the land of her milk and honey, if all a man can offer her after a long day of being belittled by her older, crustier, and genuinely leather faced boss who is envious of her youth and beauty, is a shot of wheat grass and rice cakes so she can get in touch with her inner zen? She will burn a trail out of that man’s domicile faster than Sherman’s march through the confederacy.

She does not want to be in touch with how little her life means. No, she wants her emotions crushed by the sheer weight of two porterhouses stacked on top of each other with several sausage links crushed in between. She wants every fiber of her body focused on preventing her blood flow from stopping.

And as she makes her way to the bathroom to fight off the oncoming meat blackout. That’s when you approach her. In the hallway. You wear nothing but a leather loin cloth. Every muscle contoured with the glistening gleam of animal fat. Your aroma still masked by the smokey embers of cooked meats and dry scotch. And when she sees this vision before her and the meat in her blood stream crippling her chance to run for she is truly scared of the feelings that are overtaking her. That’s when you strike. You grab her. Lead her to her boudoir and take her. Take her. Pure. Clean. Hard.

Hello loyal subjects of the stash,

Yes, I have been MIA for quite some time now, but not in vein. I was not just eating pounds of meat and visiting Turkish steam rooms, but alas I was learning the secrets from yours truly and recording all of his teachings which I will unveil to you now lesson by lesson as: Selleck’s Guide to being a better man!

DATING

The dating scene can be tough for a budding young man. But not to worry, Selleck here is going to show you some pointers and pitfalls of dating.

Avoid the girl with the small ukulele

You’re a young fertile lad ready for a night out on the town. You got your finest jimmy suit on and are looking to spread your seed with a willing female vessel. There you go. Strut your stuff. Show to the ladies out there, who has a set of straight teeth and a mean right hook!

Wait here comes one! She’s slowing down to talk to you! Yes this is it son, you may have yourself a real catch here. But wait are those… kittens baking banana bread knitted on her sweater?! And is that…. a Ukulele in her hand?! Oh her name’s Infinity!

Run away! Run Away! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN AWAY SON WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

No don’t talk to her! She cut her own hair! You don’t say. No, she doesn’t look like she just escaped a concentration camp.  Oh God, she’s going for the Ukulele. Don’t ask to hear her song!

NO! It’s not hard to rhyme cat with bat. I hit the cat with the bat, see I did it right there! Stop telling her she reminds you of Zooey Deschanel and that that’s a turn on for you. Even Zooey Deschanel doesn’t like Zooey Deschanel!

Ok she’s reaching for her car keys, now’s your chance, Run!!!!! Before you get sucked into her web of crazy!

Shit…you got into her rust colored Ford Fiesta that’s both ironic and eco friendly.

Let me guess she’s taking you to crash her step dad’s wedding because she’s jealous of his young Asian bride. Or better yet, maybe to her art studio where you can see her collection of original vector art where fairies are our elected leaders and no one eats anything that’s alive because plants deserve an equal place at the table as us humans.

I’m sorry son, but she’s one ‘art project’ away from staring over you as you sleep with an AR45 carbine powered assault rifle, that she learned how to shoot because she thought it was neat, all because you wouldn’t donate your hair clippings to her co-op.